top 10 things i want for christmas

the big day is right around the corner and i know you childrens have been frantically shopping for the omaly. i thought i would offer a list to expedite the process. thanks and happy shopping.

10. a winning lottery ticket

this one takes away a lot of the guess work because let's face it you are giving me the gift of lifelong financial freedom. kinda like a gift certificate on steroids.

9. a russian mail-order bride

we all know the omaly can be picky when it comes to the womenfolk. why not spare him the trouble and give him an imported dame who won't talk much? also this gift eliminates the need for gift receipts in the case of duplicates, the more the merrier.

8. a new job

nothing fancy, just a regular, run of the mill, 5 hour a week, seven-digit income supplying occupation. also a good benefits plan is essential.

7. beer

let's face it nothing says "happy holidays you bass terd" quite like kidnapping me for a pint or seven. the good thing about this gift is the brewhou tends to make me generous, so after our third brit pint* i'll more than likely pick up the tab, so this gift ends up costing you nothing.

6. one of those bb guns from that movie

how can you put a price on the endless fun that is shooting little kids in the eye and/or breaking their glasses. my shotgun is a bit much for this hobby.

5. a helicopter

l.a. traffic is really starting to piss me off. that and i wanna keep the miles on the 'stang down.

4. a good old fashioned christmas party

here is my guest list. party favors should include the following: forty (40) pounds whipped cream; two (2) tom jones cd's; two (2) kegs apiece of guinness and bass; one (1) lemon dessert cake; and veggie dip so the girls can keep their energy up.

3. a pink bunny suit

just in case it rains over the holiday season. i usually wear a xxl.

2. a pointless but mildly entertaining website that i can manage

what better way for me to kill time at... shit nevermind.

1. a clone

not that i'm short on friends or anything, but i figure if there are two of me i can have omaly part deux do (haha doodoo) all of the things i don't really like doing, for instance: waking up in the morning, paying bills, earning a living, smiling at strangers, shaving, and otherwise giving a shit about stuff. also the omalies would probably score mad girlies.

*note: a british pint is 20 ounces, compared to an american pint of 16 stingy ounces.