top 10 new year's resolutions

the following resolutions should prove to make me a better person and role model. don't worry if your resolutions are not as ambitious as mine, not everyone can be the mighty omaly.

10. cut back on beer.

hahahaha good one. oh man (j/k) x 956 billion.

9. get out more.

right now my social life during the week consists of falling asleep on the bus with someone sitting next to me. dunno if that's gonna cut it. i suppose nodding your heard involuntarily can be one hell of an icebreaker. so is jolting yourself awake after a disturbing dream sequence.

8. expand the peso.

i predict more links, more absurdity, and of course more hotties. i know i'm ambitious, don't hate me because i have goals.

7. more road trips

i did a fair job in 2003, visiting the upper regions of cali twice and the vegas three times. i can improve my numbers on both, but maybe i should expand my horizons and visit utah or something. i predict a peso tour in arizona for 2004.

6. buy more video games

when i got my ps2 i got 5 games right of the bat. i've fallen off the horse since then. let's face it i'm never going to grow as a person unless i spend more time mindlessly pushing buttons, staring at a screen, and staying up too late so i miss the bus. discipline is not learned it's earned childrens.

5. fall off a horse

this way i can use phrases like "i've fallen off the horse" and really know what i'm talking about. my enthusiasm will probably be contagious and allow other people to pursue equine evacuation via gravity.

4. sleep more at work

nothing says "give me a raise" quite like waking up with a mean case of wafflehead or drooling on your timecard. i may as well be as rested as possible for the hour or so a day that i actually work. i may just go for the jugular and set up a cot in my cubicle. how's that for envisioning a new paradigm.

3. watch more tv

let's face it burning calories is good for you and the best way to do that (besides sleeping) is by camping out in front of the tube for 3 hours a night. that and knowing all the new shows makes you seem smart.

2. keep exercise to a minimum

while it can be a fun diversion, we would all be wise to admit that exercise can cut into valuable time better spent on more important things, such as making fun of people, missing the bus, searching for absurd websites, and personal poopoo time. exercise is like salt: use sparingly or you might throw up, or at least get really thirsty.

1. spend more money

who am i kidding here? the only way to be a "real" person is to buy all the latest things every two weeks. it's not what's inside that counts, because if it were we would all be dead organ donors (or at the very least zomboid robots walking around without our digestive tracts, but i'm wishing out loud here...). what matters most is looking cool, having the latest gadgets, and buying whatever tv commercials tell you to, all the while decreasing savings and increasing debt. this is the biggest part of my plan for true happiness and all-around well-being. follow my example and be free from the pressures of responsibility. if you're already broke sell some organs to some sap who thinks that it's what's inside that counts.