top 10 things that irritate me

this list is in no particular order, all things mentioned piss me off equally.

10. stupid questions

we have all done it a time or two before, perhaps in an attempt to defeat an awkward silence, or perhaps because we happened upon something we did not expect. i'll give a recent example. one day i need to grab some cash out of an atm machine at my office building before procurring some lunch. i walked out the door, rounded the corner, and observed a person using the atm machine, and several people standing behind that person. using my razor sharp wit i deduced that other people, in fact, needed to use the atm machine, and that several had made this decision slightly earlier than i did. my clear thinking made me want to treat myself to something really special for lunch. anyway, moments later, a gentleman obviously in a hurry, rounds the same corner that i had only recently passed, then stops dead in his tracks at what was apparently the scariest thing he's ever seen, a line of people. it was then he asked me: "oh... is this the line for the atm?" nope. a few of us decided to get together and throw a party while we held your spot. you may consider making a withdrawal from the bank of common fuggin sense there skillet. this leads to the next entry...

9. stupid answers to simple questions

a couple weeks ago i was a visitor to a place i had never before been (i will not disclose the location to protect the innocent). after wandering around for a minute looking for the restroom (my typical breakfast of 3 shots of espresso had concluded it's tour of the omaly bladder), i approached someone walking by me and asked this person where i could find a restroom. the wording and tone of the reply is what got me: "well, the mens room is right down that hall...". wow, lucky guess there lady. don't let my goatee fool you, i'm actually looking for a place to change my tampon.

8. loud shoes

ok here's the deal. i respect every person's right to purchase and wear whatever footwear suits his or her fancy. i know when it comes to shoes there are a lot of options out there and that finding a pair that has a balance between style and comfort can be difficult, especially when it comes to dress/work shoes. i also realize that being bound to the laws of physics, people will make noise when they walk. having said that, i have a simple request: if your shoes happen to make excessive noise by having loud heals or by slamming against your feet repeatedly (god bless you if they do both), please don't walk behind me and tailgate me like i'm a ford pinto in the fast lane on the way to vegas and wayne newton is giving his last show ever. we are not the military, nor are we on a field trip, so walking single file is not necessary protocol. i'm not asking anyone to remove their shoes or levitate on the spot if they happen to see me in front of them, just don't match me step for step with your metronomic footwear while giving me the cadence for insanity.

7. waking up

i swear it happens every dam morning. i realize that being a member of the race of homo sapiens, i am bound to more or less the same physiological schedule as other people, and by default i am granted a certain number of waking and sleeping hours. it is the transition between these two basic states that is immensely disturbing, even on a spiritual level. ever since i can remember i've had a problem getting up in the morning, and while trying to wake up i dread even the most pleasant of daily activities; my parents actually had to coax me out of bed on disneyland day.

6. minivans

i am not one to stereotype people based on superficial qualities such as clothing, hair color, shoe size, or the car they drive. however, i have to admit minivan pilots seem to have banded together behind my back in an effort to take over the world by driving (literally) the omaly into fits of road rage. i know your kid is late for soccer practice again, and that you are coming straight from work, and that it was actually your wife's turn to pick up the kids, and that you're missing your favorite show right now. these things are not my fault, therefore please do not take out your aggression by tailgating me, cutting me off, or otherwise attempting to get both of us on a "the worlds worst car accidents" episode. i realize that barely doing 60 mph in the fast lane can be frustrating, but i assure you this is not my doing, therefore tailgating me or cutting me off will do nothing more than incite my wrath upon you. there's a little concept i like to call "the flow of traffic", and it's the reason everbody goes more or less the same speed.

5. spam

a couple examples of the useless email i get everyday. "beat the health ins blues2" from "sbvmdgjbzzhnwks@tbvbyqfh.net". honestly, who bothers to even open an email like this, let alone seriously consider any kind of product associated with it. if you don't believe in vowels i simply can't do business with you. here's another great subject line: "bra! Claim your free gift!". i'm sorry, did you just address me as "bra?" if you have even the slightest doubt that i am a womens undergarment and not a person, you need not bother corresponding with me.

4. cell phone nonsense

don't get me wrong i am not claiming to be anti-cell phone. i have one and it works great. i am, however, anti cell phone stupidity. i have a few thoughts. nobody wants to hear a personal conversation in detail. if i break into your house and sneak into your bedroom and hear you talking on the phone about the fight you had with your boyfriend or your friends sexual tension, that's my bad. however, on the bus, in the office, inside a starbucks, have some courtesy. also please note your volume. i realize it may be hard to hear the person on the other side, but yelling into your phone in public does little to solve this problem.

3. traffic

who's bright idea was it to have everyone in the greater l.a. area drive to and from the same area at the same time. i did not spend 19 grand on a sleek 2 door vehicle to do 10 mph in the left lane.

2. sport utility vehicles

i certainly respect the right of an individual to purchase as much vehicle as he or she can (or sometimes can't) afford. if they make it and you can buy it, by all means find your happy place. and let's face it, if you're paying the mortgage on that sun over beach you have a right to drive it, even on public road space. i'm sure being in such a large vehicle gives one a sense of invincibility and perhaps even a sense of superiority over normal size vehicles. to each his own. all i ask is that you realize one simple truth about your immense vehicle: nobody wants to be behind it. if you cut somebody off the only part of the road they can see is the part that your fatass vehicle is barely squeezed into. you are of course entitled to your space, but this does not include the space directly in front of my vehicle. i like to reserve that for a little something i like to call "visibility."

1. mondays

by far the worst idea for a day ever. when i take over the world mondays will be abolished.