mau peed himself

drunken message remix

let's get decked out kids

after much blood (i can saw through a 4x4 with a 12 inch miter saw with no problems but i cut myself with a pencil sharpener...), sweat (real work is hard) and tears (we ran out of beer a couple times) the mau and the alison and the ben finally completed the coolest loft bed ever for the new maulison pad. 50% deck, 50% bunkbed and 100% pimp, this baby is ready to rock (i could have phrased that better...). after many rave reviews i have decided that every red-blooded peso reader should be able to build an indoor deck should the need arise. it is with great pride that i give you:

the complete irishpeso guide to deck building

the content that follows will instruct you on the finer art of building stuff inside of something that's already built. or something. keep this handy reference handy. ok children's let's get started.

the first step is to make sure you have all the necessary toys i mean tools. you can accomplish quite a bit with basic tools such as a hand saw, hammer, screwdriver, etc but remember thomas edison invented electricity for a reason. a good rule of thumb when buying any power tool is to make sure you like the color as this provides a mood-friendly work environment. i like the yellow tools the best. brand name power tools: $1200. custom made workbench: $60. completely covering your friends' new place with sawdust: priceless.

the next step of course is to procure the necessary building materials. for this project we opted for wood because if nothing else we were guaranteed at least a nice campfire.

the next step is to find some volunteers to complete your work team, irish people if possible. you can usually find them on the 3rd floor drinking beer.

important safety note: when setting up a workshop safety should be the primary concern. in this case we decided to place the saw right by an open window so that flying particles of sawdust would fly safely out of the work area and directly onto unsuspecting passersby, thus reducing much of our dust problem and letting someone else deal with it.

after you have all tools and building materials in place it's helpful to have a quick strategic meeting to figure out what kind of beer goes best with building something.

note: it only takes one piece of wood to confuse the shit out of me.

another note: some people (especially mau) need constant supervision in a work environment. it didn't take long for our first mishap, mau got "decked" by an errant 2x4. notice how the two-by knocked his hat clean off the noggin. to prevent this from happening again we went ahead and drilled his hat back on to his head. he fell again lots of times but boy that hat didn't budge.

after a few cuts and some nice stacking mau decides to do a load test to see how well the structure supported him. it's important to do this at various stages of the building process to ensure a sound structure. we were convinced that the two feet thick concrete floor supported by industrial strength iron was in good shape and decided to move ahead with building something out of wood.

this is alison and she's an architect and she pretty much designed the entire project. a dame is an important addition to any work environment because they can figure things out and add numbers way better. also note that ali is actually accomplishing something while mau and i keep busy with things like falling down and losing tools.

the next step is to construct a sturdy frame that can serve as a detention center for any member of your work party that exceeds his or her "dumbass mistake" quota for the day. please note: depending on the intelligence and beer intake of said individual one wall may suffice.

important safety note: when working with power tools and other such equipment it is important that your judgment not be impaired by the ill effects of dehydration. keep a steady supply of beer on hand to keep you and your team members refreshed and in good spirits for the duration of your work session. also notice that this individual can safely hold a bottle of beer with his thumb and two remaining fingers.

after drinking an adequate amount of beer and thoroughly coating the surrounding neighborhood with sawdust it's a good idea to sit on your ass and take a nice break. make sure to keep a tool handy and sit by something that's already built so if some jackass comes by with a camera you can look busy in a hurry. make sure to give that lazy a-hole one evil eye so he knows you mean business.

important safety note: if you need to work on an incomplete structure make sure to support the workpiece with something sturdy such as a television on a rolling cart.

OR...

if a television is not available have a friend levitate next to the structure.

after the underlying frame of your deck is complete select the most gullible member of your work team and have them stand on top of the structure to check for any weak spots. ideally this person should have at least one thumb left to give the all important signal.

when sliding a piece of wood into place it's a good idea to use someone's face as a backstop to prevent unnecessary damage to surrounding walls.

after each stage of the building process it's a good idea to locate the nearest woman to find all the dumbass mistakes you made. remember there's no shortcut to safety.

if you get stuck behind a structure and that jackass with a camera comes to record that moment instead of helping you out, go ahead and firmly but gently give that lazy bastard the finger. team communication is vital to any group project.

if you make a mistake don't panic! simply say a bad word and you won't really give a shit anymore.

teamwork is essential to any project. notice the woman in the picture stays on task while her teammate successfully identifies the cameran so he can kick his ass later.

if one of your team members should fall and become hopelessly stuck keep him in good spirits by telling him jokes about dogs with no legs.

it's a good idea to have a group workout session in the middle of any project to boost morale and see who's sober enough to continue working.

important safety note: excessive use of a hand sander can cause a mean case of the shakes. if this should happen to a member of your team send him home and replace him with a fresh idiot.

after completing a portion of the top level of the deck it's a good idea to have someone do an irish jig dance on the deck to insure good luck for the life of the deck.

important safety note: when drilling a hole into a piece of wood make sure you have adequate backing material behind the workpiece, such as a human cranium. this will prevent the workpiece from moving which can cause injury.

if one of your team members should lose an arm simply replace the limb with three full size 2x4's.

important safety note: when taking a pimp picture make sure the goober wearing the safety glasses stands behind you so that you are the focus of attention.

after consuming enough beer things actually start to look good.

really good. aren't you glad you hired irish people?

after your deck is complete you can play cops and robbers but the dames have to be the bad guys (gals).

well drop my pants and call me dick it actually works...

hope you kiddos learned a lot about not only lofts but life.

two new brews for the peso crew

hey kids. fall is finally here. the weather has cooled perfectly, football is in full swing, hoops is just around the corner and all the college kids (shit i'm getting old) are back in town to invade my favorite pub. i love this time of year. yeah that's nice let's do a couple beer reviews.

i spent the better part of last weekend at mau and alison's pad building what will soon be the coolest loft bed ever. more to follow on that. the important part is during my stay maulison was (were?) kind enough to introduce the omaly to two beers that he had not yet experienced. and to think that all i did was bring over some power tools to score some free brew. i'm gonna hit the pub tonight with my cordless screwdriver and see what i can get. anyhooters we took a break during day one and ali brought home a twelver of henry weinhard's private reserve. this proved to be a quality brew in pilsner form that held it's own nicely in the omaly's palate. add in a pizza from domino's and i was a happy little pesito. other than the glorious (read: cheap) mgd the omaly is not a big fan of the yellow brews, but private reserve established itself on the short list of "beers that look like piss that i will actually drink." good company indeed.

the big suprise came on day two of lofty-fest. after another day of hard work (read: sawing wood the wrong size and losing tools) the time came when the mau and the ali and the ben needed spiritual inspiration in the form of fermented beverage. once again maulison delivered. this time it came in the form of "negra modelo," a mexican brown ale that literally made me say a bad word after drinking it. in a loving way. after two sips that bottle was half empty. i have to admit up until this point mexican beers were little more than a divertimento (i'm the mozart of beer bitches) from real beer drinking. it's hard to beat a corona with tacos when it's 95 degrees, a bohemia with some 3 dollar nachos will get it done nicely as well. these are fine occasions for said varieties but i was not aware of a south of the border brew that would hold it's own on one of my patented "it's beer and peanuts for dinner" nights. as usual mau has shown me the light. negra is a sublime combination of rich brown ale flavor coupled with crisp just right carbonation that makes it extremely chuggable but yet demanding to be savored. imagine if gatorade made a sam adams flavor, added a mexican twist and some bubblies and you get the glory that is negra modelo. add the fun foil over the cap into the festivities and it's fiesta time ninos. all you brown ale fans get out there and try some negra if you haven't already.

well kids you are in for a real treat this week. in a slightly altered state me and neris (aka LS) decided to make some drunken phone calls and leave some drunken voicemails. the mau was kind enough to record our messages to him in mp3 format with some kickin background music. enjoy:

LS and omaly's drunken voicemail.

click some ish:

some guy gets owned by cruise control

a bunch of really nice cars get owned by a train

you have got to be kidding me

uhh...

8 games in one convenient location courtesy of club lakers

our hottie of the week is a dame with the name brooke burns. i don't really know if she's from the movies or tv or whatever but she's so hot it doesn't really matter. i'm gonna be her boyfriend for halloween.