men vs. women

Here is a list of admitedly amusing stereotypes about men that i found on a website. i thought i might offer some input.

"Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved."
Oddly enough you give us too much credit. Plain and simple we like fire. Not because it's dangerous, not because we think it impresses you, but because it burns shit. The sooner you learn this the easier it will be to relate to us. We also like meat, and we like it prepared correctly. It's not cooking, we are not making a casserole or a quiche. I am actually toeing the line here just by spelling "quiche" correctly.

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
they should have their skull pierced to get a better idea of the pain.

"If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season."
i have a hard time finding fault with this one.

"Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important."
i'm not sure where this one came from. in any case don't call us when the game is on. that's right SHHHHHHH...

"Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches."
alarm clocks are upsetting to my psyche, as are mornings in general. what you do with the newspaper is on my top 10 "i don't give a shit" list.

"Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private, but in public they have to know."
how about don't nag me because i'm a big boy now. just because you have never had to re-arrange part of your anatomy in your crotch before you sit down does not make you some kind of social savior. a man discreetly arranging his junk is much less offensive then a tactless manners nazi constantly grilling her amoeba of a boyfriend.

"All men are afraid of eyelash curlers."
as with all other medieval torture devices. i however am more afraid of a man who has a comfortable working relationship with eyelash curlers.

"All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship."
yes because what that really means is "i need you to sit still for 45 minutes while i complain about stuff". it's nothing personal, we just might get bored or otherwise restless. this goes double if the game is on.

"Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax."
you got me there. carry on. while you are busy being brave making sure you don't look like you accidentally took a tarantula to the beach with you, we'll go ahead and protect freedom and the american way.

"All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not."
i readily admit to being a sarcastic bass terd.

"Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. "
this is exactly why we don't want you to watch sports with us. it's like us going to a play with you and commenting on the sub-par craftsmanship of the folding chairs. think about it.

"When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. (When four or more women get together, they talk about men.)"
that's simply not true. last time i checked cheerleaders are women.

"Men have higher body temperatures than women. Men are like portable heaters that snore."
i suppose that would make women human icebergs that are prone to practicing tai bo in their sleep.

"Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door."
we just hate shopping with you. spending 3 hours in a mall to not buy anything is not a priority for us. there is steak to be grilled, beer to be drunk and games to be watched. we have no time for these shenanigans.

"Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony."
don't forget the word "monopoly," because that's what a woman has on her husband's life.

"Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men to help us get dressed."
as long as we can help you undress later i for one see no problem with this.

"Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie."
i grew up identifying with the transformers, and every once in a while i still wake up feeling like a boombox.

"When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk."
for the record we don't gain weight, we "build character." if building character comes by drinking beer, eating steak, watching the game, and not exercising, then so be it.

"Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause, you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles."
once again you guys get the short stick from mother nature. you get hormone pills and mood swings, we get corvettes and hotties. sounds about right.

"Men forget everything. Women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened."
this is a simple misunderstanding. men simply have a highly developed sense of what is actually worth remembering and what is not worth the effort. interestingly enough, women never seem to remember that we don't want to talk to them during sporting events, especially when instant replay is on.