irish jokes

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after
martini, each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and
all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
what McQuillan had done,"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out
for a jar of olives!"



The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me
luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.



Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
He's done it again!"



The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and
watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of
them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the
cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other
rishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and
one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one
of the girls must be quite ill."



Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick &Michael, were adrift in a
lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning
freighter. While rummaging through the boat's
provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed
the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This
particular genie, however, stated that he could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick
blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness
Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest
brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke
the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in
the boat!



The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his
back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"



You've been drinking again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The
bartender finally said that the bar was closing.So,
the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He
figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he
fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound
asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing
over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it
out he said,"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there
again."