yup, people actually say these things.

only in america...
"poquito chow mein!"
--lady in her chinese restaurant shouting orders to her apparently hispanic cooks. i can't make stuff like this up.

the irony is just too much:
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

atta kid dubya
"Well, as I am a follower of American politics..."
--George W. Bush, on his thoughts about the California Recall
thanks myke

well, good try...
"The reality of it is that I am for the Latin community. I love Mexico. I have done four movies down there."
-- actor and gubernatorial candidate ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, saying "dirty politics" was to blame for his being uninvited to serve as grand marshal of a Mexican Independence Day parade in East Los Angeles.

he's got a point
"This is the most dangerous thing I will probably ever do in my life, except for having a kid."
--Illusionist DAVID BLAINE, who plans to hang in a glass box for 44 days in London.

that's a lot of math there guy...
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

this is actually a good one:
"We don't need more strength or more ability or greater opportunity. What we need is to use what we have. "
--Basil S. Walsh

good to know...
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

atta girl...
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview
to become Spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

joke of the week, or joke of the day, or of the year maybe. we'll see how good it is.

What does a Chinaman do when he has an erection?

He votes.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"

A bird named Chet

A man walks in to a pet store and says to the Clerk:
"My girlfriend really loves animals, do you know a good Christmas present?"
The clerk says:
"Sure, how about this bird? His name is Chet. Chet sings Christmas songs"
The man looks at Chet and says:
"how do I make Chet sing?"
The clerk says light a match and put it under his right or left foot"
The man tries it. When he put it under the left foot Chet sang Jingle Bells, under the right he sang White Christmas. So the man buys it and goes home.
On Christmas day the Man's Girlfriend gets her present, chet the bird. The man shows her how chet can sing. Then she asked:
"What happens if you put the match in between chet's legs?"
The man says:
"I dunno let's see"
So they put a match between his legs. Then Chet started singing:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire....."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender says, "You know....there's a steering wheel on your crotch."
The pirate says, "arrrrrr, it's driving me nuts!!"

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation, and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak, and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly, then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

3 girls are running from the cops across a field. There's a brunette, blonde and a red-head. They come to a barn and decide to hide in there to elude the police. When they get into the barn they notice three sacks and decide each one will hide in a sack. In the event that the cops do come in, they would just make some barn noise. So, all three are waiting and the police go into the barn and check it out. One officer sees the sacks and goes over to check it out. He goes to the one with the brunette in it and gives it a little kick. "Meow", says the brunette. "Aw it's just a cat." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the red-head in it and gives it a kick. "Woof", she says. "Aw, it's just a dog." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the blonde in it and gives it a kick. And the blonde says "Potatoes."

confucius say: "man who run in front of car get tired."

confucius say: "man who run behind car get exhausted."